I want to start off by apologizing for dropping off the face of the earth. I’ve barely been on my Twitter account, and I have definitely ignored this blog for well over a month. I attempted to make a comeback two weeks ago, but failed. I have my reasons–which include life struggles, failing at my diet, and physical challenges. I have debated talking about this openly, mostly out of shame. But instead of a Week 12 Recap, I would instead like to share with you all what I have been dealing with, in hopes that it will help someone else out there.
If you followed my weekly blog updates for the first 7 weeks, you will see how I struggled to lose weight. No matter what I changed, or how much I exercised, I kept hitting a brick wall. All of my weight loss was mostly in ounces every week, or worse–I would gain pounds. I turned down every free meal and dessert that did not fall within my low carb guidelines. It was HARD, but I wanted so badly to be healthy and have another baby someday, that I convinced myself that the fight was worth it. The beginning of Week 8 (Valentine’s Day 2016) was the final straw for me. I awoke excited to see if I had shed any weight–only to find that I had once again gained pounds. This led to a short period of believing that I could be pregnant, only to be crushed days later. I had reached my breaking point, and this opened the flood gates to a deep depression. I would randomly break down into tears. I tried to shut myself off from the world and those who love me most. I drowned my sorrows with pizza and unlimited chocolate and carbs. You can imagine my frustration when I weighed in, almost out of habit, on the morning of Week 9 (2/21/16) and had LOST 2 lbs, despite not sticking to my diet for even one day. I felt anger and sadness, and ultimately–defeat.
There have been many times that I have strongly considered throwing in the towel and giving up completely. I had resigned myself to a life of unhealthy choices, never carrying another child, and being obese. This led to one fateful night while I was home alone. I won’t go into details, but certain choices I had made throughout the day led to what I can only assume was a reaction to extremely high blood sugar. I was physically unable to stand and walk a straight line. The severe dizziness I felt can only be compared to being very drunk (Side note: I have not drank any alcohol in nearly 4 years), and nothing made it go away. I felt every bit of energy drained from my body, and I fought with all my might to not go to sleep in fear that I may never wake up again. Thankfully I did, but I was jittery. This particular night and other events around the same time led me to the same conclusion–I more than likely have Diabetes, or have at the very least made myself pre-Diabetic. I remember a similar episode a few days later. I turned to my husband, shaking, and said, “This is killing me. I never want to feel this way ever again.” And so I won’t, because I was officially scared straight.
All of my vain reasons for wanting to be thinner or my selfish desires to become pregnant again pale in comparison to being healthy. I have a husband I adore, whom tells me I am perfect the way I am, and supports my desire to be a stay at home mom. He depends on me as much as I depend on him, and I don’t ever want to let him down. I also have been blessed with a beautiful 8 year old daughter. I look at her and am almost always proud of the healthy decisions she makes when it comes to food and snacks. But there is a darker side, something that maybe only a mother would notice–small things in the way she approaches food and exercise at times–and I know that this all falls back on us, her parents. I want to be a better role model for her, a health advocate, so that she does not repeat my mistakes. I want her to have a fighting chance against obesity and the diseases that run rampant in her genetics. I wish someone would have done the same for me.
The changes I have made in the last week have been significant. I have rededicated myself to a low carb lifestyle. I began using the C25k app on my iPad again, and have actually stuck to the program so far. I try to go for daily walks. I changed up all my meals, snacks, and desserts. This has helped tremendously. I know that I am not perfect, and I will more than likely make mistakes in the weeks and days to come. But I am a new woman, and I refuse to fail. I have too many people whom look up to me and depend on me for various reasons to be unhealthy and continue down the same path. I know the way I feel now throughout my day is 100 times better than I felt while laying on my couch, feeling helpless and out of control.
If you read this entire blog post, I commend you and thank you for your support and interest in my journey. My only hope is that my personal struggles can help someone else who is going through a dark time. You are not alone, and if you are alive, there is still time to change your life. Below is a video to a song that I really like and has helped me overcome a challenging time. Please give it a listen.
All my love,
Week Twelve Weight Loss (3/13/16-3/19/16): 180.3 to 178.2 (2.1 lbs)